There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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