you have to choose: penises or morals?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Randomize
