Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
