My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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