I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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