What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
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