and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
