Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Randomize
