the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Boobs speak an international language.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I still have a little drunk in my system
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
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