Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
