Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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