Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
