i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
The best revenge is premature balding
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
