I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
