I CAN MOONWALK!
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
