did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
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mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
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If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass