So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
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...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
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So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.