i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
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