Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".