you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
