there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
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