Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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