I got chris browned last night
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
