thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Randomize
