I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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