I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
