FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
