I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
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I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
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I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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