ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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