If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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