having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
