Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
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