tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
