this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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