Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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