My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize