mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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