where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
