what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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