Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
