wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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