quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
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Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
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my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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