god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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