I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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