Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
