I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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