New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize