I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
