i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
