How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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