The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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