got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
