I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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