I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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