I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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