fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
