I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Randomize
