i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
